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Won’t do that     

Posted by Katherine Putnam on June 7th, 2010

“I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do that, I won’t do that…”

It’s official: my posts are both sporadic and random. I am now officially setting a goal of updating with a minimum of one post a week. What that will end up meaning is that I’ll definitely post one, but I won’t limit myself to one if something (like this post) leaps to mind.

Facebook. I love facebook, really, I do. I love the message feature that allows me to facebook-email my friends. I love how it enables me to keep in touch and up to date on friends’ lives, even when we’re continents away. I especially love the photo albums; I can both reminisce over photos I’m in, and keep up to date with friends via the photos they upload (weddings, excursions, baking escapades, new homes, etc).

Now, though there are several things I love about facebook, there are countless more that I HATE about facebook. Having run across most of them in a two minute facebook session just…two minutes ago, I’ve decided to blog-vent a little. To vblog. No. Blvent? Maybe. I’ll sleep on it. Anywho.

Some of the things I dislike are merely annoying facebook functions, most are annoying habits of facebook users. My apologies to any who may read this who also fall under one of the categories below; I mean no offense.


A Few of the Things That Really, Really Annoy Me About Facebook (Users):

1) The games and applications.

Really? Really? Who thinks of these things? True, I’ve enjoyed one or two quizzes, but even those irk me, so I instantly delete them because I have no desire to have “What Hogwarts House do you belong in” permanently emblazoned on my profile. But let’s not waste too much time listing all the annoying facebook applications that people can’t seem to stop sending me or inviting me to join (hint: I will never, ever want to hatch anything on facebook…ever), let’s just highlight one of the most asinine, banal time wasters: Farmville. I cannot, for the life of me, fathom why anyone would waste their time on this. (Now, this is not to say that I never waste time…I just don’t waste my time with this monstrosity.) And it’s not mere frivolity, oh no, I’ve known people who get up before the sun to HARVEST THEIR IMAGINARY CROPS. I weep for you, truly, I do.

2) The “about me” sections

For those who wonder, I’m referring to that little box under your profile picture, and the section under the info tab. Now, these can be approached in one of two ways: sanely or insipidly.

The sane person chooses a simple quote for the under-the-picture-box, something that (by its origin, let alone the content) reveals a little about their tastes, personality and beliefs, but isn’t either a) overshare or b) a lie. The sane person then either leaves the larger section (under the aforementioned info tab) tastefully blank, utilizes another apt quote, or they write a brief, factual statement about themselves that serves as a gentle introduction (or reminder) for their facebook friends.

~The sane do not overshare.
~The sane do not attempt to false advertise.
~The sane do not use the “bio” or “about me” (or whatever facebook is calling it these days) sections as a vain attempt to prove how deep they are.
~The sane do not write out their ENTIRE life story.
~The sane do not put something so hypocritical it’s nonsensical, such as: “I hate liars” or “I hate fakes” or “I hate complainers,” ferferfer.
~The sane do not use these sections to air their dirty laundry, or their grudges.
~They do not use these sections to brag.

So what does the insipid user do? Well…take a guess.

3) Along the same vein as #2: favorite music, movies, quotations, etc

Not much to say, other than I no longer see the point. Often times these seem like excuses to try and make yourself over (only putting up the indie bands you like and leaving out your all consuming love for Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys), or excuses to list every movie, television show, band, quote, what-have-you that you’ve EVER seen or heard.

Oh, and a tip, world at large (teenage/college girls in particular)? There is a huge difference between fun-loving and stupid. Please stop putting up quotes that make you (or your “crazie” bff) sound dumber than Miss South Carolina. Oh, and (as I have personally been made aware of) you are rarely as witty as you think you are; think before you label one of your own “witticisms” a favorite quote.

Don’t even get me started on the rubbish that is placed under “interests.”

4) Being made to feel like a jerk when I de-friend someone because we haven’t actually talked in over a year.

Okay, I’ll admit it: being defriended sucks. But you know what? It also sucks how much facebook has watered down and degraded the meaning of the word “friend.”

I seem to go through fits with facebook. Fit #1: I feel bad rejecting friend requests from long forgotten acquaintances and new not-really-friends-but-not-really-strangers…people. So I accept them. Fit #2: I realize how ridiculous “friending” can become and, in a vain and short lasting attempt to make myself a little more honest, I “defriend” those who are NOT REALLY MY FRIENDS. I’m currently wavering between these two fits.

Regardless of what fit I’m stuck in, I feel the overwhelming urge to tell the majority of facebook users to GROW UP!!! I realize social networking sites do have the unfortunate tendency to bring out the neurotic middleschooler in all of us, but let’s take a realistic perspective for a second. Facebook does not, or rather, SHOULD not determine who your real friends are. If you need facebook confirmation of a relationship, then you have bigger issues than the fact that the cleaning lady from the restaurant you worked for five years ago just defriended you. If your self worth is measured in the number of facebook friends you have, then you have more to deal with than the fact that that friend of a friend of a friend that you’ve never actually met just defriended you when they realized (after you wrote an obligatory happy birthday post) that they don’t know you from Adam.

5) Over updaters.

You know who I mean. That friend that updates their status every twenty minutes or less, just so you’ll know exactly what TV show they’re watching and what color they’re painting their nails during the commercial breaks.

All I have to say is, who CARES??? I check facebook because I want to keep up on your life at large, not so I can experience a constant, unnecessary stream of mind numbing minutia. If I wanted to know what you and hubby were having for dinner I would get a Twitter account.

***Note: I will NEVER get a Twitter account. I would rather be strappadoed.

6) Piggybacking off of #5: “hubby.”

At first I thought my distaste for the word “hubby” and the overabundant amount of “hubby” status updates was merely a side affect of my single status. However, when my relationship status changed (though this statement could be challenged as said relationship did not become facebook “official” for more than a year…gasp!) and my annoyance did not, I realized that was because…well, because this word and habit ARE just plain annoying!

You’re married (or dating, or whatever)…we know, we may care, but you don’t need to remind us via 20+ facebook updates a day. We don’t need to hear “hubby this” and “hubby that” (or “shnoockums” or whatever the unmarried, yet still trite, out there use instead). There is a reason it is called your private life, and that is because it is meant to stay PRIVATE.

So please, save us all a painful death from gagging on our own tongues/vomit as we read your soppy updates.

7) Tagging your friends on inspirational/character checkerboards.

Alright, so I don’t know what those things are actually called…but you know what I mean! I don’t care if I (along with five other random people) remind you of Belle (or one of the other random cartoon characters on that particular checkerboard): you don’t need to tag me. When you’re about to post and tag one of these atrocities just…just don’t.

8) That even when you delete a message (especially one sent to a large group of people…many of whom you don’t know) it will pop back up in your inbox as soon as someone else responds to it.

I’m actually a little unsure about this one, as it hasn’t occurred lately (and by that I mean I haven’t had the chance to test it lately)…but it was irksome when it did happen.

Deleted messages should stay deleted. Enough said.

9) Liking things.

Ugh. I’ve used this function before, in the times when I want to show my support/approval/other vague emotion but don’t feel like writing a vapid comment. And, to be honest, I’ve died a little inside each time I’ve done so.

Then this “liking” phenomenon spread to the info section; gone are the days when you could “be a fan” of some person, production or product, now you just “like” it. (Seriously facebook, are you a nefarious time machine that is attempting to kidnap/brainwash/Jedi-mind-control us into becoming permanent junior highers?)

My friend (my REAL LIFE FRIEND) Dave said it best, and in a status update, no less: “[I notice] that you don’t “become a fan” anymore, you “like” a product/celebrity/vague concept’s page. I guess this is to make things more open to all the vague concepts? I presume the next step is to not “like” a status anymore, but to “acknowledge” it, to make things more open to all the emo self-pity.”

Let’s hope that wasn’t prophetic.

10) Vague concepts.

Turning the pillow over to the cool side. Smiling. When a song reminds you of something. Skittles. Sunshine. Throwing something at someone, missing horribly and hitting someone else. Using your cell phone to see in the dark. Naps.

Need I go on? Need I list any more of the RIDICULOUS things that you can “like” on facebook?

It’s just…I mean….why? Just…why? Why?

11)People who have the same picture multiple times in their profile picture album.

This is just a personal pet peeve, I suppose. But really, you can’t take the time to go into your album and just select “Make Profile Picture?”


I feel that I’ve already touched on this in previous points, but this really is my biggest beef with facebook (users). This is why I felt the need to rope Chris into a discussion of whether or not we would put our engagement on facebook. This is why I have (mostly) given up status updates (save for noting blog updates or handful of other, minor exceptions). This is why I refuse to use Weddingbook or other such applications. This is why I (will) refuse to do a countdown to anything. This is why I have given Abbey the task of putting me out of my misery should I ever lose my mind and post a status with the word “hubby” in it.

This is why my grievances with facebook often outweigh any pleasant feelings I might have: the constant, needless, painful overshare that dominates facebook use. Why won’t middle school ever end?

And that’s it for now. Is this an incomplete list? Definitely. Is it offensive? Possibly. Was it a cathartic endeavor? Absolutely.

Feel up to the challenge of defending any of these? Have at it.


Katherine Elyse

2 Responses to “Won’t do that”     

  • David Ganssle says:

    I enjoyed this a lot. I may even post a link to it on my Facebook wall, so random people I sort-of know can “like” it. And I’m not just saying that because I’m quoted. :P

    A few comments… with regards to #3, I do like listing my favorite shows/movies/bands, mainly because I like a lot of fairly-obscure things and I enjoy when someone sees my list and has actually heard of one of the things I like. However, I was vocal in my displeasure when Facebook linked favorites lists to fan pages. That just annoyed me.

    Regarding #5… yes, over-updating annoys me, but I do love Twitter. It’s all a matter of following the right (funny) people. And it helps me practice conciseness in my writing, a skill I sorely lack when left to my own devices.

    You will join us eventually… *maniacal laughter*

    Re: #6… If I ever get engaged, I’m making it clear to my fiance that referring to me as “hubby” or herself as “wifey” will be considered grounds for immediate annulment.

    Re: #11… I just figure they’re unaware of some of Facebook’s technical details. I’m a little more annoyed when people use a scanned picture, but don’t bother to crop out the 80% white space from the scanner.

    In conclusion, I post long comments. This is why I need more practice with the “concise” thing.

  • Kristin Lombardi says:

    I’m probably guilty of at least one of those some time in my facebook-using past (or present? Dare I be honest and admit my fallenness?), but I heartily agree, so much so that I’m commenting on this even though it’s been eons since I talked to you…just another reason you are wonderful :)

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