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Greatest star     

Posted by Katherine Putnam on November 14th, 2011

“…well, I’m miffed–’cause I’m the greatest star–I am by far, but no one knows it!”

I know the “little fish in a big pond” realization is a fairly common one, but that didn’t stop it from sneaking up on me recently.

I auditioned for a film a month or more ago. It’s the senior film of a gal I knew from working on Incubus and other films. She seemed excited for me to audition for one of the leads, and I was equally excited to be auditioning. The part was different from any part I’d played before and I spent quite a bit of time thinking of what I could bring to the table and how I might be stretched, as an actor, by the part.

I, of course, failed to remember how abysmal I am at cold reads…which you generally have to do for auditions. I remembered this fact after the audition, when I was left with the distinct impression that I had pretty much blown my chances. I spent the car ride home (and many moments during the subsequent days) rehashing what I could have done better: how I could have pushed myself farther, risked a bit more, added more nuances to my actions and words. Just plain. done. better.

I didn’t get the part. I wanted to pretend that I had a chance, but I didn’t. I’ll be a bit part/extra in the film, which should be pretty fun, but the disappointment lingers a bit. I find I’m especially disappointed that I didn’t live up to the director’s general excitement that I wanted to audition.

Look, I’m well aware that it’s been years since I’ve been that “big fish.” Years since high school, when I knew I would get whatever part I set my mind on. Years since working with Mike and Dave, when I knew they’d generally have a part for me, and took me into consideration for casting. Years since I was a favorite, I guess?

I love acting. I love writing. I enjoy blogging. I had fun dabbling in directing. I enjoy learning new recipes, trying my hand at DIY-ing, pontificating movie reviews, etc etc. But as much as I love…the things that I love…there are other people out there who love them just as much. Even more daunting, there are many, many others out there who are much better at them than I could ever, ever, EVER hope to be.

That kind of realistic (defeatist?) thinking makes it very hard to tackle the “what do I want to be when I grow up” thought that has been rearing its head far more often, as of late. I guess I’m technically a grown up, but I still don’t have a clear definition of what I want to do, what career I should pursue.

As Pam said, “I don’t think it’s many little girls’ dream to be a receptionist.”

I enjoy acting, and I’d love to keep it as a hobby, but I know I don’t want to do that for a living. (Unless Joss Whedon decides he wants to make The Enchanted Forest Chronicles into movies or a miniseries…in which case I would sell most anything short of my soul to be cast as Princess Cimorene. Seriously Whedon, whadaya say?)

I love critiquing film and tv…but I worry that there’s no (paid) room for me out there. Not to mention I haven’t the foggiest how to begin getting people to listen to me.

I’m very good at cleaning and organizing. And being bossy and stubborn. People should pay me to attack their junk. And none of this the-pack-rat-gets-a-say like on Clean House. No no. The Rat gets no say and I make all the rules. That would be fun.

I guess the bottom line is that the “glory days” are gone; it’s time for me to buckle down and do the hard, gritty work it will take to find a career in anything I love and, in the meantime, remain grateful for my living as a receptionist.

Or, pray that Chris gets a super awesome, steady, secure, high paying job and I can be a stay at home, homeschooling mother of four or five. That would be pretty nice too. “A [wo]man can dream though, a [wo]man can dream…”

Cheers,

Katherine Elyse


One Response to “Greatest star”     

  • aliza says:

    Definitely praying Chris gets that job so we can take our herd of children on field trips together!

    Aliza


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